Victim or Survivor

Are we victims or survivors? There are too many victims and not enough survivors in the day we live.

Letting go of the past is perhaps one of the most difficult things to do. Hurtful and painful memories can make lifelong challenges for us. However, we do not need to be victims of the past, unable to live life to the potential God has created us for.

God has lovingly created every person, regardless how you may feel today. His love is unconditional to everyone on the earth. He created you to be uniquely you, with all of your strengths, weaknesses, and quirks; you were not a mistake. No one else can exactly fill the spot God has created for you in this world. This can be very difficult to grasp, when it feels like the world is against you. But never doubt it, God gave you life and made you to be who you are.

Victims live in the past, while survivors live in the future. We can remain a victim of our circumstances or we can choose to become a survivor.

For the sake of understanding this writing, I am referring to a victim as someone who is defined by their past, whereas a survivor is someone who has been able to heal from past painful experiences. True, survivors are technically also victims, yet they are not defined as victims because of healing.

Embracing our past with honesty, is very important on the road to recovery. To ignore or minimize our past experiences, only serves to keep us bound to it. An open honest evaluation of our past with the help of others, is a huge step. This can take a lot of courage

Without the desire for change, healing cannot effectively take place, and we will remain victims. This decision can be very difficult, and impossible on one’s own steam; partly because we may not know what is normal, or what kind of person we can be.

 I once asked a counselor where forgiveness plays into the equation of letting go of the past and healing. Her reply was that after individuals learn to love  themselves, they are then ready to forgive. Someone who suffers self-loathing and shame will need a certain amount of emotional healing to gain proper perspective of themselves. This is a subject all in itself and a brief explanation may be in place.

Trauma from abuse leaves deep emotional scars. Often the individual assumes that he or she must have done something which caused the other person to hurt them, thereby assuming they are at fault. The nature of these injuries may be private and shameful, causing people to hide them. If they happen in childhood, it may be confusing, altering their view of life and reality. Furthermore, if an individual is not believed, or not heard, validated, it is apt to only further drive home the lack of self-worth and shame. If they were told not to tell what had happened, like it’s a secret, or they were threatened if they told, it only deepens the impact and depth of the trauma.

For someone in these circumstances, their minds may first have to unravel the mental and emotional confusion before proceeding into their responsibility towards the one who hurt them. Being told to let go and forgive, before their injury has been properly validated, may be nothing more than their mind has already attempted to do for a long time. Such an approach may only serve to make then feel hopeless, further hindering their ability to heal. Often when it comes to this point, they may be angry at the perpetrator; to be then told to forgive without proper attention to their pain, can be counterproductive. Anger is in some cases a healthy reaction. It shows that the individual has some inner understanding of their personal value, and are not broken to the point of passive acceptance. Eventually anger will subside as validation and healing commences. This all being said, forgiveness is an integral part of healing and letting go. This is a very general statement, and must be appropriately qualified for each individual situation.

When someone can grasp the concept that God truly loves them, no matter what has happened, they are on the road to recovery. When God is in our healing process, He restores our self-worth as we find acceptance in His unconditional love.

I personally believe the Christian has an advantage, possibly a shortcut to emotional healing, because of faith and the power of God. Do not misunderstand me; I do not believe in saying, “forgive and forget.”

There are many parts to healing of the mind and body. God made us very complex with our emotional makeup. In truth, there is only so much, counselors and therapy can do. We first must want to be healed, then they can help us stay with the program of healing. There is no magic cure, true deep healing can only come through Jesus Christ. This is across the board, from physical and mental health to spiritual sicknesses. Doctors can diagnose, prescribe and treat maladies, but the healing of the body is dependent upon God. Apparently, apostle Paul also had an infirmity which hindered him, for which he wanted healing. May we take courage in what he says: 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 KJV 7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. 8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. 9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

Mental health and physical health are often related to each other. It is a known factor the poor mental health can lead to poor physical health. Our bodies are truly fearfully and wonderfully made!

Physical injuries cause scars which can be tender even after the injury is healed. This same principle is true with our emotions. All of us will sooner or later be disappointed or suffer grief; it’s not “if” but “when.” Emotional healing takes time, energy, and determination. It can be a step forward followed by a step or two back, feeling like we are making no progress at all. However, with time we will be able to look back and see the progress we have made. We do well not to focus on the day-to-day progress, but on the bigger picture. Even after emotional healing has commenced, we may find areas of weakness. We should not be discouraged by that; God may use it to have compassion on others with similar struggles.    

It is not good for our emotions to dwell on negative things in life, nor live in the happenings of the past. This is especially true after we have delt with the injuries and trauma from the past. Initially this may seem impossible, but give yourself compassion and time, and you will heal. Those negative thoughts should become less and less of a part of your life. By continually using the power of God and His Word to combat negative thoughts, we can re-train our thinking patterns.

I have said before that forgiveness is a journey. Although we can forgive, unfortunately memories and emotional flashbacks do not generally just disappear. Healing and building trust takes time, and in some cases, it may not return to the way it was before. This does not necessarily mean we have not forgiven, but rather that we continue to need to reach out to God for power and healing. Often this is where trouble comes. We tend to view forgiveness as immediate healing and the restoration of trust. We may go on in life thinking it is all behind us, when we are thrust into a situation which brings it all back to our memory. We may then tend to assume that because it has come back, we have not forgiven properly, which will lead us into more emotional turmoil. If we do not wish the individual harm, and want them to make it to heaven, then we likely have forgiven them. If we bear lasting anger and the desire for revenge, or to get even, then we should ask the Lord to help us let go and forgive. In this sense, forgiveness may not be a one-time happening, but taking it to God time and time again. He understands that is not easy to let go and forgive; that is why He is there to help us become whole again.

It is important to place blame where it belongs. We tend to shy away from that because if seems wrong. However, unless we place the blame where it belongs, on the one who hurt us, it will be difficult to properly heal from trauma. By placing the blame where it belongs, we are then able to properly forgive that person or incident. This of course may not be applicable in every situation. Some situations are simple matters of misunderstandings and everyday friction between individuals. Many of the things that affect us in life are not right or wrong, but rather the way we take them. Rather than blame another for these things, it would be much better to take them to God, and let them go, letting Him be the judge.

There may be a fine line between feeling sorry for ourselves, or having legitimate reasons for our feelings. We should not go around blaming others for our pain and problems; often they may not even know that they hurt us. Many of these hurts should be settled between us and God. Care should be taken lest we slip into a victim mentality, blaming others for our problems. Regardless of what has happened to us in the past, we can choose a positive future. We cannot change the choices, or happenings of the past, but by God’s grace, we can change it’s affect on our future.

Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves even if there is no acknowledgement of wrong from the other party. That being said, it makes it much easier if someone apologizes to us, admitting their wrong; we then can offer forgiveness. If we wait on an apology before we can let go and forgive, our healing may never happen. Many times, in the day to day struggle of life, the other person may have no idea they hurt you. This does not mean that they will never need to apologize, but it frees you to move on without an acknowledgement from them. Notice this verse from Jesus’s prayer. Mark 11:25 KJV And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. He does not say to forgive if they tell you they are sorry. He simply says, “forgive.” Now that does not mean there is never anything more required, but until we can offer forgiveness, we will not be able to properly reconcile our differences between us. Under normal circumstances, reconciliation should be sought, however sometimes it may not be possible, or advisable depending on the situation. One should not use that as an excuse, but should carry a reconciling attitude.

Likely the one who had hurt you either may not know it, or they may not be able to understand the depth of their actions; they may even blame you for what has happened. By the grace of God and His power, we should be able to lay that to rest and not seek revenge and retribution. I know that is a tall order and you may think it impossible. However, revenge will not gain anything but more trouble and sorrow. God’s Word has some clear teaching on this very topic. Romans 12:17-21 KJV 17 Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. 18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. 20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. 21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good. Take note that he says, “as much as possible live peaceably with all men.” He accepts that there will be differences, but by us letting go, by His power, we can move on into what He has designed us to be.

A few words more on perception. Those who carry pain and unresolved problems, often continue to get hurt over and over again throughout life. This has to do with the lens that past experiences have given them. When a wound is not healed, it will continue to get infected over and over again, unless it is given proper treatment. The lens of past hurts affects the view of ourselves and the intention of others. Initially, this is not necessarily the person’s fault, but is a result of what has happened. Eventually, however, they will be responsible for how they react to their perceptions.

When we carry pain inside, we tend to build protective walls around ourselves to keep us safe. That protective barrier is on guard, viewing all of life through the lens of suspicion. This lens causes a distorted view of reality, reading innocuous situations as potential threats. It magnifies the actions of others, and by default, takes them personal. This cycle can continue over and over again, until there is so much pain the individual withdraws from, everything and everyone who does not agree with his or her way of thinking, which only exacerbates their feelings of isolation and loneliness. This is a difficult trap to be in, because the only way out is to become vulnerable. These people are also very difficult to reach because you first have to gain their trust and confidence. To do so takes time and compassion, until they feel you truly understand them.

As Christians we should be very careful in this area. Satan is not sleeping, and knows this is a ripe opportunity for him to inject the spirit of offense. Many people have fallen victim to this tactic and he has been able to lead them into deception. While it is true people may not understand our particular struggle, we limit the power of God if we are not willing to forgive. None of us have experienced what it was like to be Jesus, accused for things He was not guilty of, yet He forgave. If He was able to do so, He wants to give us that same power. It has yet to be seen, what God can do in the heart of those who humbly trust in Him.

In conclusion, if you are a struggling in any of these areas, remember that you are not alone, weird, or strange. We are all pretty much alike. We are all human, broken people, in need of healing. My desire for each one, is that they look to Jesus, no matter where they are in life. He may not instantly fix your troubles but you can be assured He will be with you in them. All you have to do is ask.

May God help those who are struggling with finding peace in these areas.

I realize that there are many variables as well as controversy to what I have written. I hope you do not feel overreached. I have limited understanding on this topic, so I am simply offering what I have written as thoughts for consideration. Like the old saying says, “If the shoe fits, put it on.”

 Sometimes healing is someone who listens and weeps along with us in our pain and grief. I hope you can have a friend who does just that. Jesus can be that friend, however there is nothing like having a close human friend to share our hearts and feelings with. Personally, I have had those who have walked beside me, and continue to give me support, including my dear wife.

Remember healing takes time and patience!

If you have any questions feel free to contact me by following this link to my Contact Page and send me an email or message.